


...so is pizza sauce (Come to the Dark Side--the Emperor's Why We Still Have Pizza!)

by handschuhmaus



Series: blood is thicker than water [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bad Puns, Crack Treated Seriously, Deception, Gen, Non-Consensual Filming, Rey Palpatine, albeit only of pizza eating, although he knows it's a commercial, and then they are conned into making a pizza commercial, basically Palpatine gets a horrible form letter, gallows humor but it's dystopian use of genetics instead of execution, health information privacy violations, marketing, non-consensual reproduction, simlish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22193614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: so, ah, this was inspired by a fact I learned fairly recently: in an attempt to finance his post Soviet activism, Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to make a Pizza Hut commercial in the 1990s.Hisgranddaughter was featured, eating the pizza. (you can still find and watch it)
Relationships: Sheev Palpatine & Rey
Series: blood is thicker than water [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628515
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	...so is pizza sauce (Come to the Dark Side--the Emperor's Why We Still Have Pizza!)

**Author's Note:**

> so, ah, this was inspired by a fact I learned fairly recently: in an attempt to finance his post Soviet activism, Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to make a Pizza Hut commercial in the 1990s. _His_ granddaughter was featured, eating the pizza. (you can still find and watch it)

It was quite inconvenient, even if it made for a not unpleasant vacation, to be officially declared dead. 

Unfortunately, Palpatine had never been prepared for a career outside politics, and his teenage dream of racing speeders did not seem like a viable second career choice. This left him biding his time after finally awaking from a coma on a relatively unimportant planet, if one that argued over whether it should have remained in the imperial faction, and trying to make sense of the form letter he had finally managed to receive after logging onto the holonet. It said:

Dear [Your Imperial Majesty Palpatine],

We regret to inform you that, due to a laboratory mix-up, tissue samples supplied to Jacquard Evolve Development Inc. by an intermediary medical testing entity [Zartreuse Archives Neurology--Natural And Holistic ] were inadvertently used in an experiment concerned with reproduction. Thanks to Jacquard ED, Inc. tech, we were able to demonstrate the viability, with our techniques, of almost any genetic material at all for in vitro fertilization. As you did not opt in to this procedure, our phalanx of lawyers is working around the clock to ensure you will not be legally accountable, including for child support. All the same, we have enclosed info on your unintended offspring so that genetic testing does not otherwise cause an inconvenient surprise.

Wishing you the best,

Rhalhad Hefferhoogen,  
Public Relations

Jacquard EVOLVE Development, Incorporated  
We're  
Making a Brighter Future, Starting Today

The attached file detailed someone called Potter KesStar, son of Mrs. & Mrs. & Mr. & Mx. J.G., Crebba, Diskop, and G-9K0 KesStar. 

Also unfortunately, Palpatine did not presently have access to Imperial data files to do any kind of research on the provenance of the name KesStar, nor places which allowed polygamy and droid marriage. Unless of course that was unofficial and merely permitted to enter the letter through permissive self-identifying data entry forms by these Jacquard people. The way they'd addressed their letter to him hinted at a lax approach to data validation and/or an over eager title selection compiler. Plus they'd gotten through to a dead man's inbox when most mail was being filtered to people still able to take care of it.

There was a picture as well. Potter KesStar probably had Palpatine's mother's family's nose, (at least he supposed that was what people meant about noses; he didn't feel very good at nose features, generally) as he did, but otherwise he looked very unlike the Senator had. (There was no reason whatsoever to expect him to share a Force-Lightning induced disfigurement).

It was probably thinking on that picture that made Palpatine listen to Atkin Sarasuma.

* * *

Atkin Sarasuma owned a restaurant chain--or at least he liked to tell people that. Actually he owned just two pizza restaurants, in the twenty-fifth biggest city on Khanzlershmarrn. He also moonlighted as a maker of commercials, for the local speeder dealership and the furniture warehouse, and the clothing consignment shop. His spy themed pram commercial had been genius, if he had anything to say about it, and the local sports stars were becoming celebrities anew hawking furniture. But Atkin Sarasuma was also, just a little bit, a confidence man. A con.

Not a _convict_ , just someone who liked to...get the better of people.

He recognized the (former?) Emperor. 

Now, Atkin Sarasuma was ...a certain kind of neutral, which is to say that he didn't technically remain neutral, but leant his loyalties to whichever side seemed likely to improve business. He didn't bother to know enough about politics to have any principled objections to Palpatine.

* * *

Rey wondered for a moment, why her grandfather wasn't eating, but the pizza smelled absolutely wonderful and she dug in with gusto. She didn't think he would actually poison her. 

The people at the table in the middle of the restaurant were having a loud and impassioned discussion in a language Rey didn't understand, but one of the words that kept coming up sounded a lot like "Palpatine". Still, they weren't as loud as the thundering cries of "CUT! CUT!"

She froze and scanned the area. The man who had been yelling walked up and looked at her plate.

"I don't know what you're thinking. I know this is just a demo, but you can't eat like that during it."

She wanted to know what this outlandish objection was about. "Like what?"

"Please, take small bites and refrain from gnawing on the crust." Wait, what?

Her grandfather sighed, in a long-suffering sort of way, and proceeded to calmly explain, to her complete surprise "We're making a pizza commercial."

Rey could only gape at him.

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued...
> 
> ~~by the by, the pram commercial is intended to be something similar to the "Ironhand" episode of the 60s spy comedy _Get Smart_ and its Operation Baby Buggy Switch.~~


End file.
